Undignified Royal Deaths
Jun. 8th, 2011 03:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mark_asphodel If my computer ever got seized, they'd probably suspect me of being a serial killer based on the things I've searched for. Just sayin'.
-x-
Talking history a bit with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
crimsonmorgan reminded me of why I feel the need to wax "realistic" and subversive in Fire Emblem 'fics to start with. As a history geek, the urge to tether these worlds to some historical base is very, very hard to resist. And, as we all know, history is often rather less than romantic. So, given the overall strain of morbidity in discussions of late, let us sit upon the ground and tell awful sad stories of the death of kings...
I'm focusing on mostly famous or at least competent European rulers here, with one glaring exception near the top of the list. Strong bias towards the UK and France here, 'cause that's my beat.
10) Peter the Great (Russia), 1725-- gangrene of the bladder. I mean, OW. But this is the man who had one of his own sons tortured to death, so I guess we can't cry too hard.
9) Edward IV (England), 1783-- natural causes. See, Edward has always rather fascinated me. Remarkably tall and handsome (by the standards of his time, anyway), a successful general at the age of nineteen, able to recapture his kingdom after being overthrown and exiled, a generally shrewd and competent (and sometimes ruthless) ruler. But he, ah, rather enjoyed living it up, and by the age of forty was stout, out of shape, unable to lead his own armies in the field, and his death from typhoid or pneumonia came at a very inopportune moment.
8) Robert the Bruce (Scotland), 1329-- Scotland's tenacious hero suffered and died of an "unclean ailment" that might have been leprosy, or syphilis, or some sort of motor neurone disease, or maybe a series of strokes.
7) George II (Great Britain), 1760-- Not a terribly beloved figure, but he was the last British king to lead troops in battle, so that should count for something. Collapsed of an aortic aneurysm while in the "water closet," which pop history books reduce to "died in the loo."
6) Philip I "The Handsome" of Castile, 1506-- Death by typhoid fever at the age of twenty-eight is nothing special. Having your embalmed corpse (allegedly) dragged around Spain by your distraught wife is. This earned Philip a place in popular culture, even if by our standard's he wasn't such hot stuff.
5) Henry I (England), 1135-- England's "Lion of Justice," a scholarly reformer who also fathered a shit-ton of illegitimate kids while he was busy reforming, supposedly OD'd on his favorite dish of lampreys. Lampreys. I mean, really now.
4) Henry V (England), 1422 -- kind of a parallel figure to his younger kinsman Edward IV, Henry conquered France, married its princess, and then bit it from dysentery a scant few months before his sickly father-in-law kicked the bucket. This left an infant as the heir to both England and France, which in the long term really didn't work. Also, dysentery is nasty.
3) Henry II (France), 1559-- Got lance splinters in his eyes during a tournament to celebrate the marriage of his daughter. Yuk.
2) Charles VIII "The Affable" (France), 1498-- Would top this list if he weren't a lousy king whose legacy to his kingdom consisted mostly of "debt and disarray." Charles, known for being foolish and unsuitable to his position, smacked his empty head on the stone lintel of a doorway during or after a tennis game and died a few hours later. He was succeeded by his far more competent cousin, Louis of Orleans.
1) William theBastard Conqueror (Normandy and England), 1087-- William cut a magnificent figure in his prime, but by his fifties was so corpulent he was said to resemble a pregnant woman. He smacked his own fat gut on the pommel of his saddle in a fall from his horse, dying shortly thereafter; his corpse swelled up so badly that it burst when the bishops tried to shove it into the sarcophagus. Any way you look at it, that's just not very pretty. The Saxon population of England would say he had it coming.
-x-
Talking history a bit with
crimsonmorgan reminded me of why I feel the need to wax "realistic" and subversive in Fire Emblem 'fics to start with. As a history geek, the urge to tether these worlds to some historical base is very, very hard to resist. And, as we all know, history is often rather less than romantic. So, given the overall strain of morbidity in discussions of late, let us sit upon the ground and tell I'm focusing on mostly famous or at least competent European rulers here, with one glaring exception near the top of the list. Strong bias towards the UK and France here, 'cause that's my beat.
10) Peter the Great (Russia), 1725-- gangrene of the bladder. I mean, OW. But this is the man who had one of his own sons tortured to death, so I guess we can't cry too hard.
9) Edward IV (England), 1783-- natural causes. See, Edward has always rather fascinated me. Remarkably tall and handsome (by the standards of his time, anyway), a successful general at the age of nineteen, able to recapture his kingdom after being overthrown and exiled, a generally shrewd and competent (and sometimes ruthless) ruler. But he, ah, rather enjoyed living it up, and by the age of forty was stout, out of shape, unable to lead his own armies in the field, and his death from typhoid or pneumonia came at a very inopportune moment.
8) Robert the Bruce (Scotland), 1329-- Scotland's tenacious hero suffered and died of an "unclean ailment" that might have been leprosy, or syphilis, or some sort of motor neurone disease, or maybe a series of strokes.
7) George II (Great Britain), 1760-- Not a terribly beloved figure, but he was the last British king to lead troops in battle, so that should count for something. Collapsed of an aortic aneurysm while in the "water closet," which pop history books reduce to "died in the loo."
6) Philip I "The Handsome" of Castile, 1506-- Death by typhoid fever at the age of twenty-eight is nothing special. Having your embalmed corpse (allegedly) dragged around Spain by your distraught wife is. This earned Philip a place in popular culture, even if by our standard's he wasn't such hot stuff.
5) Henry I (England), 1135-- England's "Lion of Justice," a scholarly reformer who also fathered a shit-ton of illegitimate kids while he was busy reforming, supposedly OD'd on his favorite dish of lampreys. Lampreys. I mean, really now.
4) Henry V (England), 1422 -- kind of a parallel figure to his younger kinsman Edward IV, Henry conquered France, married its princess, and then bit it from dysentery a scant few months before his sickly father-in-law kicked the bucket. This left an infant as the heir to both England and France, which in the long term really didn't work. Also, dysentery is nasty.
3) Henry II (France), 1559-- Got lance splinters in his eyes during a tournament to celebrate the marriage of his daughter. Yuk.
2) Charles VIII "The Affable" (France), 1498-- Would top this list if he weren't a lousy king whose legacy to his kingdom consisted mostly of "debt and disarray." Charles, known for being foolish and unsuitable to his position, smacked his empty head on the stone lintel of a doorway during or after a tennis game and died a few hours later. He was succeeded by his far more competent cousin, Louis of Orleans.
1) William the
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no subject
Date: 2011-06-08 09:08 pm (UTC)RA-RA-RASPUTIN, LOVER OF THE RUSSIAN QUEEN.
Ahem. Allegedly, his penis was removed when he died.I can't find the article, but, um. It was interesting, to say the least.
no subject
Date: 2011-06-08 09:21 pm (UTC)If his penis was removed:
a) EW.
b)
someone was jealousc) probably so they could say he was a eunuch or something, their way of getting back at him after death. Emasculating him in some way. Because damn, killing him was hard enough, his murderers probably needed to do something to make themselves feel like real men after wards. IDK.
Also, I bet that article was.