Undignified Royal Deaths

[mark_asphodel]

 If my computer ever got seized, they'd probably suspect me of being a serial killer based on the things I've searched for.  Just sayin'.

-x-
Talking history a bit with crimsonmorgan  reminded me of why I feel the need to wax "realistic" and subversive in Fire Emblem 'fics to start with.  As a history geek, the urge to tether these worlds to some historical base is very, very hard to resist.  And, as we all know, history is often rather less than romantic.  So, given the overall strain of morbidity in discussions of late, let us sit upon the ground and tell awful sad stories of the death of kings...

I'm focusing on mostly famous or at least competent European rulers here, with one glaring exception near the top of the list.  Strong bias towards the UK and France here, 'cause that's my beat.

10) Peter the Great (Russia), 1725-- gangrene of the bladder.  I mean, OW.  But this is the man who had one of his own sons tortured to death, so I guess we can't cry too hard.

9) Edward IV (England), 1783-- natural causes.  See, Edward has always rather fascinated me.  Remarkably tall and handsome (by the standards of his time, anyway), a successful general at the age of nineteen, able to recapture his kingdom after being overthrown and exiled, a generally shrewd and competent (and sometimes ruthless) ruler.  But he, ah, rather enjoyed living it up, and by the age of forty was stout, out of shape, unable to lead his own armies in the field, and his death from typhoid or pneumonia came at a very inopportune moment.

8) Robert the Bruce (Scotland), 1329-- Scotland's tenacious hero suffered and died of an "unclean ailment" that might have been leprosy, or syphilis, or some sort of motor neurone disease, or maybe a series of strokes.

7) George II (Great Britain), 1760-- Not a terribly beloved figure, but he was the last British king to lead troops in battle, so that should count for something.  Collapsed of an aortic aneurysm while in the "water closet," which pop history books reduce to "died in the loo."

6) Philip I "The Handsome" of Castile, 1506-- Death by typhoid fever at the age of twenty-eight is nothing special.  Having your embalmed corpse (allegedly) dragged around Spain by your distraught wife is.  This earned Philip a place in popular culture, even if by our standard's he wasn't such hot stuff.

5) Henry I (England), 1135-- England's "Lion of Justice," a scholarly reformer who also fathered a shit-ton of illegitimate kids while he was busy reforming, supposedly OD'd on his favorite dish of lampreys.  Lampreys.  I mean, really now.

4) Henry V (England), 1422 -- kind of a parallel figure to his younger kinsman Edward IV, Henry conquered France, married its princess, and then bit it from dysentery a scant few months before his sickly father-in-law kicked the bucket.  This left an infant as the heir to both England and France, which in the long term really didn't work.  Also, dysentery is nasty.

3) Henry II (France), 1559-- Got lance splinters in his eyes during a tournament to celebrate the marriage of his daughter.  Yuk.

2) Charles VIII "The Affable" (France), 1498-- Would top this list if he weren't a lousy king whose legacy to his kingdom consisted mostly of "debt and disarray."  Charles, known for being foolish and unsuitable to his position, smacked his empty head on the stone lintel of a doorway during or after a tennis game and died a few hours later.  He was succeeded by his far more competent cousin, Louis of Orleans.

1) William the Bastard Conqueror (Normandy and England), 1087-- William cut a magnificent figure in his prime, but by his fifties was so corpulent he was said to resemble a pregnant woman. He smacked his own fat gut on the pommel of his saddle in a fall from his horse, dying shortly thereafter; his corpse swelled up so badly that it burst when the bishops tried to shove it into the sarcophagus.  Any way you look at it, that's just not very pretty.  The Saxon population of England would say he had it coming.

Comments

[rethira.livejournal.com]

There were also rather a lot of assassination attempts on various royals, as I recall. Some were successful, but all I remember is that there were at least six on Queen Victoria and all of them failed. That's rather more than most rulers got, I think.

I'm also fairly sure there was someone who was murdered by an enterprising assassin climbing up the chute beneath the water closet and stabbing him when he sat down. I can't remember who exactly it was though, which is really annoying me.

And who can forget Rasputin? Poisoned, strangled, shot, stabbed and finally thrown into a frozen river. I was told that there are gouges on the side of the river where he tried to claw his way out.

[xirysa.livejournal.com]

And who can forget Rasputin? Poisoned, strangled, shot, stabbed and finally thrown into a frozen river. I was told that there are gouges on the side of the river where he tried to claw his way out.

RA-RA-RASPUTIN, LOVER OF THE RUSSIAN QUEEN.

Ahem. Allegedly, his penis was removed when he died.I can't find the article, but, um. It was interesting, to say the least.

[rethira.livejournal.com]

SHE DID ADORE HIM SO. Well, he was fixing her son for her. He presumably had something going for him apart from that whole holding the queen's ear thing because a lot of women always surrounded him. There's like, thic pcture of him with his amazing beard and every other person in the picture is a woman.

If his penis was removed:

a) EW.
b) someone was jealous
c) probably so they could say he was a eunuch or something, their way of getting back at him after death. Emasculating him in some way. Because damn, killing him was hard enough, his murderers probably needed to do something to make themselves feel like real men after wards. IDK.

Also, I bet that article was.

[mark-asphodel.livejournal.com]

I should do Top Ten Royal assassinations. Right after Ten Crown Princes Who Never Got to Be King.

Some were successful, but all I remember is that there were at least six on Queen Victoria and all of them failed.

She reigned during a real peak time for assassins, though-- the Empress of Austria and the King of Italy weren't so lucky, not to mention the Russian Tsar and President McKinley. Anarchists, man...

I'm also fairly sure there was someone who was murdered by an enterprising assassin climbing up the chute beneath the water closet and stabbing him when he sat down.

Whoa. That does sound familiar...

[hooves.livejournal.com]

1. The picture of lampreys. ;___; Creeped me out. I will see that thing in my nightmares forever.

2. I hate you, because now I'm imagining leprosy in various FE games, though it sort of feels almost like it'd fit in FE11/12 fairly well... Maybe even FE8. Not sure about 6/7 or 9/10. 9/10 would be interesting to say the least.

Also:

As a history geek, the urge to tether these worlds to some historical base is very, very hard to resist.

I'm not even really a history geek. I just enjoy history. But I can admit it's really hard not to take some things seriously and write with, at the very least, a realistic angle.

I guess it's safe to say that dying young as a ruler of a country is believable, and dying in a bad way...? Even more so.

Their ale was about the nastiest crap ever, back in the day, too. I mean. Practically soup. /pukes

William the Beer Belly Conqueror is just funny. Though I'd imagine the pommel of your saddle smushing into your gut would be painful for ANYONE. Ouch.

[xirysa.livejournal.com]

William the Beer Belly Conqueror is just funny. Though I'd imagine the pommel of your saddle smushing into your gut would be painful for ANYONE. Ouch.

His spleen probably burst, too. Fun stuff--not a particularly pleasant way to go.

[mark-asphodel.livejournal.com]

though it sort of feels almost like it'd fit in FE11/12 fairly well.

All right! So that's how we get rid of Michalis for real!

Leprosy's interesting because now we know that it doesn't make your extremities rot, it destroys the nerves and then a victim can't feel that their body parts are being damaged.

I guess it's safe to say that dying young as a ruler of a country is believable, and dying in a bad way...? Even more so.

If the game doesn't state a happy ending, I'm gonna assume otherwise. :/

Hell, even in the cases where it does paint a happy ending (hi FE7 Eliwood!) we know what came next.

Though I'd imagine the pommel of your saddle smushing into your gut would be painful for ANYONE. Ouch.

And if he was THAT fat, with that much padding on his gut... the force of the blow must've been something. Maybe he hit himself lower down, near the groin.

I actually used that scenario in an unpublished 'fic. We'll see if that ever gets out.

[socraticwaffles.livejournal.com]

George III's sucked too. He had porphyria--it sucks, but so far there's no cure, so what can you do--and all the doctors decided feeding him massive amounts of arsenic was a GREAT IDEA. So of course the arsenic drove him crazy and then eventually killed him. YEAHHHH ARSENIC. YEAH.

[mark-asphodel.livejournal.com]

I thought about him... but I kind of have a soft spot for poor George III, and his end is a little too horrifying.

Same thing with Edward VI of England. Turns out arsenic doesn't cure TB, either. That poor little not-quite-sixteen year old was put through hell as he died.

[raphiael]

Have to say, the contradiction between the lionization of royalty and the not-so-pretty reality is among my favorite themes to play around with in stories. So this is very lovely 8D

Got lance splinters in his eyes during a tournament
If FE8-2 happens, this is how Ephraim has to die. I don't even care.

[mark-asphodel.livejournal.com]

:D

Writer Awakened was going to use death-by-tournament for Ephraim in one 'fic we discussed via PM back in '09 or so. But, yes... I can so see that.

But #9, #6, #4, and #3 all have influenced my take on Ephraim. I admit I have it in for him. It's fun.

[raphiael]

Killing off Ephraim is fun. I think it must just be cracking that whole invulnerable cockiness he's got going on, because even hinting at offing Eliwood just left a terrible taste in my mouth.
(And yet my first srs-business fic was Eliwood deathfic. Aha. I'll have to shove that under a rug or something. Yeah.)

[mark-asphodel.livejournal.com]

I think it must just be cracking that whole invulnerable cockiness he's got going on

Totally. Totally. No question.

Also, Ephraim is such a fine, er, specimen that there's no pathos (or bathos) in killing him. It's tearing down a colossus, not squishing a woobie. It's taking an axe to the tallest tree in the grove, not tearing up a little flower.

because even hinting at offing Eliwood just left a terrible taste in my mouth.

HAH. Well... that was really quite sick. Even if I did enjoy it.

And yet my first srs-business fic was Eliwood deathfic

That was on a dare, though. Effectively.

[raphiael]

That's pretty much it, I think.

Oh man, not gonna lie, I've written some uncomfortable stuff for fandom, but that fic was the first one that really managed to upset me. I'm probably a terrible person.

I suppose that's true. Some days I feel like revisiting the straight "game over" idea, but ehhh. I have too much on my plate as is, and I don't know if anyone would even want to read it.

[mark-asphodel.livejournal.com]

but that fic was the first one that really managed to upset me. I'm probably a terrible person.

I'm kind of shocked that you wrote it, honestly. When it sunk in what the piece was really about, I was all... "WHOA!"

I don't know if anyone would even want to read it.

I'd read it. "The Impossible" or whatever it was called is wobbly by the standards of your later stuff, but at the time I was all, "Wow, promising newcomer soars in outta nowhere with different ideas goin' on!"

I never did finish my FE11 counterpart to that challenge. Writing from Hardin's perspective is a pain in the ass.

[raphiael]

I'm still a little weirded out by it now, ha. I posed it as a joke to Jayden, and then I realized how horribly it could actually work.

Entirely too many of the things I write come from processes like that.

Aww, thanks! It's funny, when I wrote it, my first thought was to go with FE8. But I was like "ohhh I don't like that one as much, and the lords are like 'meh', and . . . ."
Pfffffft, oh newbie-self.

Doooo eeet. (Were you by chance the other anon in that thread?)

And as much as I cringe looking back on that fic of mine, were it not for the reception I got, I probably wouldn't have continued much in fandom at all. So, I suppose there is that.

[mark-asphodel.livejournal.com]

Doooo eeet. (Were you by chance the other anon in that thread?)

Yup.

[writerawakened.livejournal.com]

Writer Awakened was going to use death-by-tournament for Ephraim in one 'fic we discussed via PM back in '09 or so. But, yes... I can so see that.

I never did get around to writing that fic, did I? XD Mainly because the whole "Writing Innes as antagonist instead of as stuffy ally" threw me off. I just couldn't figure a way to make his love for Eirika a primary motivation for his actions without it being stupidly melodramatic -_- The real answer is probably something closer to laziness.

Ephraim has a lot of the tenets of bravery and courage one usually associates with a hero (and definitely a spark of that male adolescent bravado) but I also think he shares a sort of moralistic naivete with most other FE heroes and heroines. Of course, part of that is how the characters are all written and the nature of the heroes of games like this; but honestly, I think at heart Ephraim has a lot more in common with his sister, and with, say Eliwood, than one would tend to think at first. He just shows it outwardly very differently. IMO.

But of course, we authors have always had a sick fascination with toppling cocky bastards and mighty colossi (see: 'Ozymandias') :P

Will the Conquer is a particularly interesting figure, what with the enduring French-English tensions after his Normans invaded, to the brutality of the Harrowing of the North, and eventually to his, as you mentioned, very ignominious death. I made a presentation on the Norman Conquest for a Medieval Lit class I took a few years back; he's one of those figures, I think, that exemplifies the idea that even the greatest heroes are villains to their enemies. Which is something I love to see when it pops up in FE.

[kyusil.livejournal.com]

Is it... bad if I don't like writing gruesome elements into fic?

It's not that I want to try and sugarcoat everything, just... well, I do take at face value that this is a fantasy world. I get more enjoyment out of imagining what ways this would be different from the real world than what similarities I can pull into it, at least on the physical plane.

Really, I even don't see it so much as "realism" anymore because physical nastiness of this degree is so far removed from most writers and readers. We tend to see it as something weird and fascinating when, if we're going for pure realism, it would be much more mundane. I mean, nobody wants to write about X having a cold, unless it's played for comedy or it takes a lethal turn (in which case you're writing about death, not a cold).

I dunno... I would say I'm just a wimp, but I don't think I get squicked that easily. I just think that there is a tendency to take "realism" and turn it out as The Dung Ages. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheDungAges)

tl;dr, realism is a very subjective term and I personally equate it more with being boring than being icky.

[mark-asphodel.livejournal.com]

Is it... bad if I don't like writing gruesome elements into fic?

Nope. Things don't have to be gruesome. They can be, but they can also be... mundane. But the idea that everyone either goes out in a blaze of glory or dies happily surrounded by three generations of descendants is also... well, it doesn't always ring true.

My point isn't so much "I like gross stuff" (because, really, the idea of slivers going into someone's eyes is... yick) as just "Life is weird and unglamorous even if you are a great culture hero."

just think that there is a tendency to take "realism" and turn it out as The Dung Ages.

Also true.

[kyusil.livejournal.com]

This is all true! To be honest, I've noticed I'm much more tolerant of almost anything when it's put well into writing than when it's just being discussed. Maybe it's because discussion kind of throws around generalizations whereas fic will deal with characters more intimately.

[sarajayechan.livejournal.com]

Is it... bad if I don't like writing gruesome elements into fic?

It's not that I want to try and sugarcoat everything, just... well, I do take at face value that this is a fantasy world. I get more enjoyment out of imagining what ways this would be different from the real world than what similarities I can pull into it, at least on the physical plane.

*raises hand* Hi, brain twin~

[samuraiter.livejournal.com]

:-) All good references. I remember reading of most of these poor louts in my various trips through the medieval history section. Henry V died a particularly deserved death, IMO. These days, despite being lionized in Shakespeare and elsewhere, he would be classified as a textbook sociopath, though he absolutely pales in comparison to most of the Tsars.

One more I will submit for good fun: my old favorite, Charles the Bad (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_the_Bad) of Navarre.

[mark-asphodel.livejournal.com]

Hahah. Yeah, I couldn't recall that poor bastard's name to x-ref him. What a horror.

Henry V is rather detestable in hindsight, but I've always been a Yorkist at heart...